Simple put and as straightforward as possible – I will not FIGHT. I will listen to another communicate their thoughts and feelings. I will discuss issues and attempt to cooperatively resolve problems. I will engage in academic discourse and civilized debate. But I will not FIGHT. When a FIGHT occurs, logic has left the building. I see no reason why any aware individual in possession of their faculties and maturity can’t discuss things in reasonable fashion. To acknowledge when it is prudent to pause as emotions rise, so that the Wise Mind may return, or else risk destruction of what one proclaims is so cherished.
I have seen those that fear the FIGHT when there is none, and then invoke it with tantrums or disrespect, or who use excuses to justify irresponsible behavior. I have seen people start fights because they believe in inevitable failure, conflict or retribution – and attempt to take control so the fallout is on “their terms”. I have seen those shut down completely by fearing any dissenting voice, smothering themselves and the relationship. I have seen abject disbelief that two people can disagree without there being hardship, confrontation, or resentment.
In a relationship, a FIGHT is dishonorable… It is dishonorable to yourself, for it robs you of opportunity to responsibly express yourself and solve issues in lieu of the illusion that the “freedom of expression” has no consequences. It is dishonorable to the other, who is a vested partner and typically not your enemy, but is desperately trying to understand and struggling with both your emotions and their own. It is dishonorable to the Relationship – which needs understanding, patience, direction, and solutions to help nourish it and grow and receive the acceptance that its being both listened to and also properly guided (as any young child would need).
As adults, we are expected and required to develop self-control and have an appreciation for delayed gratification – for nothing is gotten without effort and time. Adults cannot behave like five year olds, and expecting to be allowed that luxury is narcissistic at best. So there is no excuse for screaming or tantrums, for insults and hurt, for losing self-control and striking out by tongue or by hand. It is past time that we should KNOW this, having developed the self-control to take oneself aside and take the appropriate measures.
To FIGHT is to ignore the world of other options available to you. Be that to calm oneself by breath, by walking, by music, or by any means which promote your health and avoid self-destruction. To summon all our strength to resist and reset before either destroys the relationship or one another as individuals. To challenge yourself and another with bravery by connecting even when we are at our most vulnerable. To choose our words wisely, for once delivered they cannot be taken away.
So then how does one resolve misunderstandings or conflicts, or address hurts or pains? Actually it’s fairly simple in theory, but it requires a great amount of self-discipline, awareness, and practice:
- Remember that a relationship of love cannot afford to view one another as enemies
- That while our feelings are real they do not define reality, though they can help it come to pass
- In each moment there’s a chance to make a decision to help or hurt, to build up or tear down
- That hurts can be easily given but never taken away; the mark of a wound is eternal even if diminished
- How a relationship is like a child that needs to be fed, nurtured, protected, guided, and allowed to grow
- To give ourselves and one another the time to feel, process, and express ourselves at our own pace
- By demonstrating mutual respect, dignity, and honor for the Being you choose to love
Expect much but deliver much, and tolerate no less…